relocation
Tuesday, Jun. 02, 2009
6:07 pm
http://unusuallullaby.livejournal.com

drop me a note so i know you've found it.

sweet goodbye
Wednesday, Jan. 07, 2009
12:25 am
And so, the first part of the wait is over. First part, because these results don't actually determine anything - it's still the university admissions that really count. Still, it is a relief. Went through the day in a kind of daze, though. When my name was called, I was in the middle of looking for jiahe's china number to tell her her results and I didn't even really hear my name called until my friends beside me started yelling "DEBBIE!!!". I was quite at peace throughout the whole thing, which is definitely God's doing. Just kept praying and telling God that my trust is in Him and everything is in His hands...

So unlike in MG with the release of O's results, there were no tears - I think this is partly due to the fact that there are twice as many guys as girls here, and guys are less prone to such tearful emotional releases (although some did cry). Even though it wasn't like a huge shock, I am definitely thankful. SEVEN FOR PHYSICS YEAAH!!!!! But yeah. Thankful. Very. I'm not sure if this is a good comparison to make, but again, compared to the release of the O Level results, I think I was much more at peace, much more focused on God (the former being a subset of the latter). I am glad that I felt nothing but joy for each of my friends whose names were called one by one, both before and after my own were called. No jealousy, no indignation, no feelings of dissatisfaction whatsoever. Because the truth is, 45 points is overrated. You don't need 45 points. It's great for the glory, but that doesn't matter to me because all glory belongs to God anyway. Of course, it would be nice to be able to give God glory for 45 points, but I think He's happy with 43 just the same(: I know I am. I'm very sure it's enough to get me where God wants me, and that's all that matters.

And even though I don't particularly love the school, I definitely enjoyed these two years. God brought such amazing people into my life, and school would have completely sucked without you.

To my class, even though I have like no classes with you guys except TOK with half of you, and PE with those who show up (haha), and you always accuse me of not being in 6.14 pfft... You guys have been awesome. It has been an honour to serve you haha. And an even greater honour to be counted a friend. For all the times we've gotten lowest in the level (which is...almost every time? Or every time...), we've got our fair share of achievements! ANGLOLYMPICS CHAMPIONS!!! Okay, maybe that's about it. HAHA. Ok la, 100m relay we won something also right. And of course, our legendary $12+ raised for charity cafe last year. We are truly in a class of our own. And despite the fact that we're not like super bonded or anything, we are diversified! and that makes us unique. Nowhere will you find another 6.14 Joppa 2008. We are the champions, my friends. So keep on fighting, keep on loving and living and just being yourselves, because you guys are fantastic. Much love <3 (WOW YOU'RE SPECIAL! I NEVER USE THAT SIGN! HAHA!)

So cheers, acib class of 08, and especially 6.14 joppa (: It's been a crazy tough two years, but we made it. Some day, the all-nighters or nights with 1 hour of sleep (nap) lasting for a few days or even a week just to meet up to 3 deadlines at one shot, IOC, IOP, WORLD LIT, CRAZY ENGLISH PAPER 2, HISTORY IAs, ECONS IAs, MATH PORTFOLIO, TOK ESSAY, TOK PRESENTATION, AND THE DREADED EEeeeeeee... Some day, it will all be worth it. I'm sure somehow, it's made us better people. HAHA. We have conquered IB. YEAH!!!!! Never again!!

I hope everyone is okay with their results... In a few years' time, we'll look back and they'll just be a bunch of insignificant numbers. We might not even remember what we got! But for now, my prayers are with you, and whether joyful or sorrowful, we all have reason to give thanks.

So live like you mean it
love till you feel it
it's all that we need in our lives
stand on the edge with me
hold back your fear and see
nothing is real till it's gone

live the question
Friday, Dec. 12, 2008
12:07 am
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

- Rainer Maria Rilke, "Letters To A Young Poet"

Hot water...
Friday, Dec. 05, 2008
12:51 am
...is therapeutic.

An Update.
Thursday, Dec. 04, 2008
11:50 am
I have been walking around in a bit of a daze these days. Perhaps it's tiredness, perhaps my mind has flown away somewhere, perhaps a bit of both. Well, it's been nice, kind of. I like wandering around aimlessly, just another face in the large, large crowd, alone with me and my thoughts.

I haven't been good this week though. Tired of responsibilities, of being responsible... I apologise.

Off to camp tomorrow.

bruised
Sunday, Nov. 30, 2008
10:10 pm
I don't know how. I don't know why.

And I don't dare ask.

but it scares me

and we can love forever
Saturday, Nov. 29, 2008
10:41 pm
Ah, prom. One night. One class. Lots of photos.

It's like you have 4 hours to take as many pictures with as many people as you can. To create physical souveneirs and mementos of your ACSI years. Memories. A crazy rush to cram as much as you can in.

It'll definitely be nice to look back on these pictures a few years down, or even a few months, but what makes the night so sweet (or maybe insignificant, depending on how you look at it) is the two (or four or six or twelve) years that led up to it. The memories of the 730 days (sorry, too lazy to calculate the rest) -oh wait, was it a leap year last year?- that precede that one night. Okay wait, it's not the end of the year yet, which means less than 730 days. I am tired, excuse me. Haha. You know what I mean.

It's been an interesting two years. Lots of ups and downs, as always.

More goodbyes to be said. But goodbye doesn't have to be forever.

and that's it
Thursday, Nov. 20, 2008
12:34 pm
the end.

sleep through the static
Saturday, Nov. 15, 2008
2:07 am
Sometimes I feel responsible for her.

Late at night when they're all asleep, it's my light that illuminates her path, my eyes that watch her grope and shuffle as she finds her way, my ears that hear her rise. In the day, I watch helplessly as they fight - an endless cold war - and she struggles to understand the animosity she finds directed at her, unsure of the reason why. I watch as sacred ties are strained, as miscommunication - or rather, a lack of communication - breeds misunderstanding, breeds strife, breeds contempt.

Relationships are so fragile. Or are they? Even as I watch, I see an unbreakable bond. But such bonds do not constitute real relationships. Love must be shown. Love is shown. But maybe not received as intended. Different wavelengths. Different languages. In tough times, sometimes, love must be tuned.

What a tragedy it is for one to love another, and for that other to not know. Far worse if that other perceives hate.

Sleep.

refuge
Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2008
8:46 pm
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." - Romans 8:1

peace from chaos

love, not condemnation

i look to You...

My God Shelters
Monday, Nov. 10, 2008
5:36 pm

THIS IS OUR GOD.
Saturday, Nov. 01, 2008
9:10 am

Three days left. The war opens with one of the hardest battles - for me, at least. But I fear nothing. For with me stands a God who is greater - far greater - than anything that may come against me. And in Him, I am more than a conquerer.

It is possible that I will emerge from the fight with little to show for it. And yet, I fear nothing. For my future is secure. His plans are greater. My faith is in Him. For I know He will provide all my needs.

Just enough to get me to where I'm supposed to be.

And so I worship.

I worship a God who is greater than my circumstances. A God who holds the universe in His hands and still has the time to listen to my every word, my every thought.

I worship a God who has set me free. That I need not be bound by the ways of this world. I need not feel stressed to feel that I am taking this battle seriously. I am free to receive His peace that surpasses all understanding. And with that peace, and the One who gives it, I am prepared to face anything.

But of course, faith is not a passive state of being. I must do my part in preparing myself for battle - but always with faith in God.

And so I work. And so I study. And so I pray, I worship, I rejoice.

i will rejoice
i will declare
GOD IS MY VICTORY AND HE IS HERE.

one week mark
Monday, Oct. 27, 2008
11:09 am
Exams are in a week. It honestly feels like I've been studying less than I've ever studied for any exam in my whole life. Considering the fact that I used to do 9 - 9 stints (and used to be able to. I can't anymore. I tried.), I guess that's because it's less intense. And just less.

But I've had other things to deal with, and I just pray that I'm still honouring You, Lord.

Am I willing to do badly for IB if, for some reason, that's Your will for me? Yes...But only if I'm spending time honouring You now. Because that would mean that I'm already walking in the center of Your will, right? And I hope and pray that's what I'm doing.

If I spent all my time studying, doing 9 - 9 schedules every day and then did badly, I don't think I'd be very okay with bad results. But with things the way they're going, I think I'd be okay.

The way I see it is this: If I were to die the day before my exams started, would I regret the way I spent these past few weeks?

Right now, the answer is no. And I think that's what matters.

But of course, while I'm still here, I will continue to strive to give my all-around best. Which includes studying. But not just studying.

It feels like I'm doing far from enough in terms of studying. But "enough" is a very subjective word. And I want to do what's enough for You. My results are already in Your hands.

And I know You've got my back.

my new favourite shirt...
Friday, Oct. 24, 2008
1:51 am

is PINK!!

i'm the geek in the pink, yo!

Today,
Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2008
1:05 am
I celebrate You, my Creator.

(:

lost to be found
Monday, Oct. 20, 2008
8:48 pm
In order to be found, we must first be lost. Or rather, we must acknowledge that we're lost.

There's a song that goes "didn't know I was lost till you found me". Oliver James' Long Time Coming (:

Just a thought.

I was actually thinking about all the things I have lost. Okay, two things.

(1) Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue CD
(2) Brooke Fraser - Albertine CD

If you have either one of these items, PLEASE RETURN IT TO ME! It always seems to be the case that my favourite things go missing... When I was like three or four, I left my doll on a carnival ride. I was so sad. Then my parents brought me to buy another one. Heh. But it wasn't the same :(

unwritten
Sunday, Oct. 19, 2008
1:32 am
hello,

yes i know this thing has been kind of stagnant for awhile. had some things i wanted to write about, but never took the time to, and now the inspiration has left me.

and gone far, far away.

i realise that sometimes these blockages are a result of feeling inferior. like after listening to so many brilliant songs and reading so many beautiful pieces of writing, i feel like anything i might produce will fall far short. and so my brain, or something in me, suppresses any form of creativity, any words and phrases that would otherwise float to the surface - haphazardly, but at least floating so i can eventually string them together to make something meaningful out of them.

the words will come, in time.

What I've Been Busy Doing
Friday, Oct. 10, 2008
3:22 pm

HAHA i wish.

in Christ alone.
Friday, Oct. 03, 2008
5:47 pm
In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself on battles one
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone, I overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone, I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory, let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone (:

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace, I am redeemed
And only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
Now, I seek no greater honour
Than just to know Him more
And to count my days but losses
To the glory of my Lord

thanks(:

RESULTSRESULTSRESULTS!
Friday, Oct. 03, 2008
12:23 am
No matter what new numbers enter my life tomorrow (today) in an attempt to define it, God, I find myself in You and You alone.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18

And I rejoice cos I've got You (:

Rubbish.
Thursday, Sept. 25, 2008
12:35 am
Today was Honours Day. Long, long, long ceremony. Something that crossed my mind:

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him..." (Philippians 3:7-8)

Familiar verse. Familiar concepts. God's gotta come first. Above all else. Gotta love Him more than anything else in the world, value and treasure Him more than anything else.

That's all good. But I think we often think of it like these two things are both good, but of the two, God wins. And I guess it is sort of like that, but in the verse, Paul (it's Paul, right...) says he considers everything else "rubbish". Not just something sub-standard, that pales in comparison to God, but filthy, disgusting, repulsive rubbish. Stuff you wouldn't wanna touch.

Mmm.

i will lift my eyes to You.
Monday, Sept. 22, 2008
10:35 am
i will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains i can't climb
i will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
i will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt i hold inside
i will lift my eyes
lift my eyes to You

click for song: I Will Lift My Eyes - Bebo Norman

The economics of life.
Friday, Sept. 19, 2008
2:55 pm
Prelims are over. Ended on Thursday for me, actually. Before my last three papers, I was thinking about the end, and I realised it probably wouldn't feel too different. And it probably shouldn't. (And it didn't, haha).

We always make such a big deal about exams, because, in many ways, I guess they are. But the exam period shouldn't differ too much from 'normal' school - it's just a different stage in the life of a student. Just part of the way it goes, you know? If we've been working consistently, it really shouldn't feel that different, cos we just keep up the pace. The only difference is instead of doing homework, we just study on our own.

What makes exams so daunting, I think, is the mindset that exam period = super intensive preparation. The common argument is, "but I didn't do consistent work, so I have to make up for it!" I know I've said that quite a few times myself. But we are called to do our best. Not just in our studies, but in our lives, as a whole. Our all-rounded best. Increasing the proportion of our life devoted to fulfilling our duty as students does not necessarily mean we are doing our best, because we are simply transferring resources from the production of one 'good' to another (oh oh look at that economics there). This is, of course, assuming that all resources are being maximised, so an increase in time and effort spent in one area of our lives incurs an opportunity cost - where that time and effort would otherwise be spent. Could be your social life, your family life, your spiritual life, or many, many other things. So we have to weigh the opportunity cost. It is true that we might experience an increase in output in terms of academics, but due to the problem of scarcity, we will experience a decrease in output in another area. We are simply moving along the PPC, rather than experiencing an outward shift of the PPC which would allow for actual growth to take place. I hope I'm getting all these concepts right, haha.

So it's down to priorities again. Productive efficiency has been achieved (hopefully), but we need to work on achieving allocative efficiency. And for me, that means God first. Always. No resources should be detracted from my production in that area. (Although arguably, God should be in everything I do... But time spent specifically with God, I guess).

I would've drawn pictures, but diaryland isn't very friendly for putting pictures up.

faith like a child.
Sunday, Sept. 14, 2008
9:42 pm
Wow, this thing has been getting updated a lot over the past few days... But here I am again.

So today I went for a baby blessing and let me just share something that was shared... In Mark 10:13-16, we are told of how "people were bringing little children to Jesus...but the disciples rebuked them", and they were basically going like "Don't bother Jesus! Don't you know who He is? This is the King of kings and Lord of lords and you're bothering him with all these noisy, misbehaved children?" (this is not actually in the Bible but it's how i imagine it, haha). But Jesus got angry and He said "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

So! How exactly does this work? Become like a child... Surely not physically... But then...mentally? Spiritually? Are we not much wiser, more mature, cleverer than children? (Although, there appears to be a rather select group that can claim to be smarter than a 5th grader...) Maybe, maybe not. But here is one thing to learn from children: to cry.

Babies and young children cry because they need help. And they don't just tear a bit, either, but kick and scream and yell until help comes their way. And they do this regardless of whether or not it violates the 'code of conduct'. It makes no difference to them whether they're at home or in public or even in the presence of very important people like the President. If they need help, they cry. Simple as that.

But what about us? Perhaps because we are supposedly wiser and more mature, more 'civilised', if you will, we often resist asking for help. Maybe we think that we don't need any help, maybe we think that the problems we find ourselves faced with simply serve to reveal a deficiency within ourselves, and one that we must conquer on our own. Or maybe, and most commonly, we resist asking for help out of pride, or out of shame: in order to protect our image. We resist crying in public because we don't want to be seen. In the presence of the President, we are concerned with correct conduct. We are subdued, quiet, respectful, and certainly would not start bawling if we needed help. At least, I hope not...because that is certainly not what I am advocating.

But God invites us to "come, all you who are weary", to cry out to Him in our times of trouble, our times of need, and find in Him a tower of refuge, and of strength. A God who provides our every need. A God who is Himself more than sufficient for us. No matter where we are, who we are, or who we have become... No matter what we've done... Cry out to Jesus.

My devotion for the day starts with this line: "Simplicity is the secret to seeing things clearly".

"You cannot think through spiritual confusion to make things clear; to make things clear, you must obey. In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will only think yourself into further wandering thoughts and more confusion."

My immediate question was, "Obey what?" I guess I was thinking about specifics, but I guess maybe it's just about being faithful to God and to His Word, His commandments... And boy, are there enough commandments to go around. Lots of things to obey, there!

Okay I know this is really long, but I have things on my mind today! It will make up for all the times I fail to update this thing. Haha.

So a friend was asking why we need to go to church. Why do we need people - friends, family - if God is supposed to be all we need? If we're supposed to depend on Him for everything, where do all these people come in? And that's something I've wondered about myself a lot, a lot, a lot. It's sort of like what Cordelia says of her sisters: how can they love you (their father) with their whole hearts if they say they love their husbands too? If my whole heart is meant to belong to God, how can people have any place in my heart?

But spiritual matters such as these don't necessarily appeal to human logic. The devotion says, "reasoning is not how we see. We see like children, and when we try to be wise we see nothing". So I guess it really is just about being obedient, in this case, to God's commands to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength" and to "love your neighbour as yourself". Even though it doesn't seem to be mathematically or logically sound, if we really trust God, we should be able to trust that it is possible. And just obey, the best that we know how.

But back to the question... I guess a quick answer would be to go to the Bible and see all the instances where we are shown the importance of fellowship. Like looking at the early church and seeing how the disciples met together often and even how God created Eve to help Adam and so that Adam wouldn't be alone. But such answers are often unsatisfactory...

So here's my take on it. We need people, and we need to go to church because our lives are not about ourselves. We were made for fellowship. We are meant to build each other up, and to pool our talents and work together for a common goal which is to bring God glory. The church is the body of Christ, and all the body parts have to work together, right? Can't quite do that if everyone decides to stay at home. I imagine it'd be a bit hard to walk if my toes decided to run off to the East Coast, and my legs to Jurong, and my eyes to...well, you get the idea. I guess these are sort of 'Bible answers' but in different words. Another thing, though, is that I believe the people around us were put there by God. In other words, they're channels of God's love and blessing to us. We need people because God gets to us through them a lot of the time.

And again, I guess it isn't something our rational minds can sort out. Just trust and obey...

I think another thing about why we can't just be individual Christians on our own is that to the world, we are the body of Christ, and in a world with so much strife and so much conflict, we have to be united. In love, in faith... By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. 'All men will know...' - that's kind of our goal, isn't it? That the world will know Christ...

I've been thinking a lot about this whole studying thing, too. Cos I've been resting a lot. Like I spent the whole of yesterday morning preparing worship, and I spent about an hour just now journalling, praying, talking to God, trying to sort through all these thoughts... And it feels good. Felt good doing these things without worrying about the time I was taking up from studying.

So again...what does it mean to do your best? A friend stressed the importance of rest. God wants us to rest and to play, and not just work our lives away. And I completely agree with that, but my struggle was this: what if in the time that I'm meant to work, I don't manage to get my work done? Another friend said, "Just don't finish it la", to which I respond with more questions about whether I can really say that I've done my best then. Was I really trying? Did I let my mind wander off too many times when it was supposed to be focusing on work? If so, how can that be my best? Doesn't it just show a lack of discipline? Or maybe that's just how I'm made. Maybe I'm just incapable of staying focused, and what counts is that I tried, so there, that's the best I can do.

But neither of those trains of thought are satisfying. See, the vicious cycle goes like this: I set out to complete a certain amount of work by a certain time - sometimes an overly-ambitious target, but let's just take it as reasonable for now. I don't manage to finish it. In order to finish it, I continue into what is meant to be my rest time, because if I don't finish it, I won't have anymore time to, and the exams are right around the corner. Perhaps, because the priority now is exams. Grades. Or is it?

God's always meant to be the first priority - it goes withought saying. But what if I've already done my QT for the day? What if the rest time was going to be used for pure leisure? It's not a sin to enjoy yourself, I know, but do I honour God better when I choose to rest, leaving my work undone, or when I choose to forgo that rest in order to finish studying or finish my work so that I can hopefully do better and then be able to give all the credit and glory and honour to God?

But God is not glorified simply through excellent grades, but in our lives. Our lifestyle. The way that we live. But taking time off to rest doesn't quite gel with the world's view of things. Others will look and see that I'm "slacking". Or maybe, if I have complete faith, I will exhibit a calmness and peace that is unmistakably of divine nature. And maybe God will honour our choice in ways that defy logic. Maybe we'll get a good paper, or maybe we won't, but maybe we'll find contentment, satisfaction, joy... An abundant life.

It doesn't make sense, but I guess if it did, we wouldn't need faith, right?

Obedience. But how? I guess it's about trust. Trusting that God will honour our choice to honour Him. Entrusting everything to God. With the time I spend studying, pray and trust that God will give me the discipline and concentration I need to finish what I have to do so that there is still time for rest. Trust that He will, in His grace, provide the time, the discipline, the concentration. We live solely by grace alone. And with my rest, honour Him. Make sure to spend time with Him, to spend time with His people. To learn to love them, and to love.

If it's a matter of choosing between God and work, the answer should be obvious. In choosing work, we demonstrate a prioritisation of work over God, no matter how much we say we're doing it for God. Because we've got to keep a right relationship with God first, at the heart of it all. And I do believe that God will provide. If I choose to honour Him with my time, I think He'll honour that... Everything will work out somehow.

I guess it really is in contrast to what the world is so often telling us, but then, Jesus always did have radical ideas. So even though I don't quite understand how it's possible, I will trust and obey, as best as I can.

Whoa, that was long.

They say that I can move the mountains / And send them crashing to the sea / They say that I can walk on water / If I would follow and believe...with faith like a child.

"learn to love properly"
Sunday, Sept. 14, 2008
12:38 am
"How?", I wanted to ask.

But as soon as the question formed in my mind, the answer came.

By learning from Love Himself.

at least, i'm trying...
Sunday, Sept. 14, 2008
12:26 am
in a broken world / where we cry to feel some hope that helps these hearts to heal / You're my strength / You're my refuge / in a broken world / Jesus, i'm holding to You

searching
Sunday, Sept. 14, 2008
12:06 am
when you're trying to untangle a long piece of rope, you look for the knots.

but what if they're buried so far under you can't find them? and when you go in, you can't find your way out?

somewhere i belong
Friday, Sept. 12, 2008
11:20 pm
what's more important than feeling you belong is being proud that you belong where you do, and to whom you do...

make me proud

but it's a two-way thing.

on another note, i hope i make You proud to call me Yours...

learning to breathe
Friday, Sept. 12, 2008
5:09 pm
yeah i know that everyone gets scared / but i'll become what i can't be

So apparently I can't have too many posts on one page or it eats into my other pages from the bottom up, which explains why my tagboard disappeared into oblivion for awhile.

Now that it's back, though, my prelim grades are quickly taking its place... I am not allowed to say this in peace anywhere other than here, where there is no one to respond (at least not immediately). It's strange how after nearly 12 years of schooling (discounting nursery and kindergarten...) I still find myself faced with the same struggles: striving to do my best, struggling to understand exactly what that entails, fighting to keep my head above the water, to keep my eyes looking heavenwards, to rest easy in His arms, knowing that it's not the grades that matter, but what I do and how I do it - whether my life as a student brings glory to God.

On second thought, maybe it's not so strange, after all, that these issues continue to plague me. I guess it's sort of like Mao's theory of continuous (not continual) revolution: gotta keep fighting, and never relent, because once you do, the revolution gets destroyed from the inside out. And that's the heart of it all, isn't it? The inside. Not the external things: the grades, the number of hours spent studying, the volume of notes written out... What really matters is the heart. Is my heart fully centered on God? Would it stop beating if I lost Him? Cos that's how it should be. Not to say that nothing else should matter, but in comparison, everything else has got to be worth nothing. Sometimes I know I've gotten the hang of it. The peace and joy that comes with it is like no other. But as quickly as I begin to revel in my achievement of it, it swiftly begins to wane. I suppose it's often a case of misplaced pride and forgotten grace. I have nothing to boast in...but Him. And surely, my attainment the peace and the joy was by no means nor measure a result of my own abilities, but grace, pure grace.

So it's gotta be a continuous revolution.

I seem to be managing a continual one, but here's an English lesson for all you SAT people...
Continuous: frequent, recurring, i.e. there are breaks in between, but it occurs repeatedly
Continual: non-stop.

There's really no other way, I guess, or we'd all be God eventually.

So anyway, this prelims thing... On the 5th of September 2008, at the best studying table at Guthrie House Coffee Bean, on the 9th page of my May 06 Timezone 2 Physics Paper 2 in my nice, blue Physics TYS, are my predictions for prelim grades. (Jono bears witness to this). (And Sloke). Needless to say, they lie far below anyone's expressed expectations of me, and maybe I do tend to underestimate myself sometimes, but when I say things, I generally do mean them. I admit I am easily influenced and tend to get sucked into this culture where nearly everyone proclaims a sure failure at the end of papers. Sometimes I mean it, sometimes I don't mean a fail, exactly, but I do think I won't do very well. I'm trying (and have been, continually) to learn to just not say anything at all, because ultimately, I owe them nothing. Besides, you should never say things you don't mean. And if you know things will get misunderstood, better to say nothing.

So maybe (hopefully) my grades will turn out better than expected. If they do, I guess I'll get a lot of accusations thrown my way, which I deserve in some cases, but not all, I believe, but whatever people say, I'll know it's nothing but God's grace. And for now, that's what matters. The next step would be making that known...

And if I do as badly as I predict, or worse, then, well, I'd be tempted to tell everyone "I told you so", but that wouldn't be the right motivation. Just gotta keep working.

Continuous revolution.

In other news, in case you didn't know, the Bolshevik Red Army didn't use guerilla warfare in the Russian Civil War of 1918 - 1920...

i'm learning to breathe / i'm learning to crawl / i'm learning that You and You alone can break my fall

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Benevolent Artist

Hello. I'm with a global enterprise. We have branches in every country in the world. We have representatives in nearly every parliament and boardroom on earth. We're into motivation and behaviour alteration. We run hospitals, feeding stations, crisis-pregnancy centres, universities, publishing houses, and nursing homes. We care for our clients from birth to death. We are into life insurance and fire insurance. We perform spiritual heart transplants. Our original Organizer owns all the real estate on earth plus an assortment of galaxies and constellations. He knows everything and lives everywhere. Our product is free for the asking. (There's not enough money to buy it.) Our CEO was born in a hick town, worked as a carpenter, didn't own a home, was misunderstood by his family and hated by his enemies, walked on water, was condemned to death without a trial, and arose from the dead. I talk with him every day.

I AM A PART OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE UNASHAMED. I HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT POWER. THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST. I HAVE STEPPED OVER THE LINE. THE DECISION HAS BEEN MADE. I AM A DISCIPLE OF JESUS CHRIST. I WON'T GO BACK, LET UP, SLOW DOWN, BACK AWAY OR BE STILL.

MY PAST IS REDEEMED, MY PRESENT MAKES SENSE, MY FUTURE IS SECURE. I AM FINISHED AND DONE WITH LOW LIVING, SIGHT WALKING, SMALL PLANNING ,SMOOTH KNEES, COLOURLESS DREAMS, TAMED VISIONS, MUNDANE TALKING, CHEAP GIVING AND DWARFED GOALS.

I NO LONGER NEED PREEMINENCE, PROSPERITY, POSITION, PROMOTIONS, PLAUDITS OR POPULARITY. I DON'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT, FIRST, TOPS, RECOGNISED, PRAISED, REGARDED OR REWARDED. I NOW LIVE BY FAITH, LEAN ON HIS PRESENCE, LOVE WITH PATIENCE, LIFT BY PRAYER AND LABOUR WITH POWER.

MY FACE IS SET, MY GAIT IS FAST, MY GOAL IS HEAVEN, MY ROAD IS NARROW, MY WAY IS ROUGH, MY COMPANIONS FEW, MY GUIDE IS RELIABLE AND MY MISSION CLEAR.

I CANNOT BE BOUGHT, COMPROMISED, DETERRED, LURED AWAY, TURNED BACK, DELUDED OR DELAYED. I WILL NOT FLINCH IN THE FACE OF SACRIFICE, HESITATE IN THE PRESENCE OF ADVERSITY, NEGOTIATE AT THE TABLE OF THE ENEMY, PONDER AT THE POOL OF POPULARITY OR MEANDER IN THE MAZE OF MEDIOCRITY.

I WON'T GIVE UP, BACK UP, LET UP OR SHUT UP UNTIL I'VE PREACHED UP, PRAYED UP, PAID UP, STORED UP AND STAYED UP FOR THE CAUSE OF CHRIST. I AM A DISCIPLE OF JESUS CHRIST. I MUST GO UNTIL HE RETURNS, GIVE UNTIL I DROP, PREACH UNTIL ALL KNOW AND WORK UNTIL HE STOPS ME.

AND WHEN HE COMES TO GET HIS OWN, HE WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM RECOGNISING ME. MY COLOURS WILL BE CLEAR FOR "I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THE GOSPEL, BECAUSE IT IS THE POWER OF GOD FOR THE SALVATION OF EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES." (Romans 1:16)