It is not wrong to desire love in return then, but our love must not depend on whether our desire is fulfilled.

After Years
Monday, Apr. 21, 2008
10:54 pm
Today, from a distance, I saw you
walking away, and without a sound
the glittering face of a glacier
slid into the sea. An ancient oak
fell in the Cumberlands, holding only
a handful of leaves, and an old woman
scattering corn to her chickens looked up
for an instant. At the other side
of the galaxy, a star thirty-five times
the size of our own sun exploded
and vanished, leaving a small green spot
on the astronomer's retina
as he stood on the great open dome
of my heart with no one to tell.

Ted Kooser

You lead me beside still waters
Sunday, Apr. 20, 2008
12:32 am
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake
-psalm 23:2

You lead me...
You guide me...
You.

So often we tend to think (often unknowingly) that it's all up to us. Okay, maybe we get it that salvation can't be earned, but that it is by grace through faith that we are saved. But beyond that, we tend to think that it's up to us to be good people, to be good Christians, to strive for holiness, for purity, for righteousness. I mean, we are in possession and control of our own body, right? We get to choose whether to join in the laughter and mockery of someone, or to walk away, whether to offer help or deny it, whether to build up or tear down. Choices we have to make.

But it is always first and foremost about God and not us. He leads us. He guides us. He shows us the way. And all we have to do is follow.

Admittedly, this, too, is a choice that we have to make for ourselves. But once we have committed ourselves to Christ, our path is laid out for us. A path of the straight and narrow. The choices leading to righteousness are all laid out. We are already told what to do. He guides us. It's just a matter of doing it, of following.

We are not in this alone. He leads us and guides us, but also gives us what we need to follow. So you see, it was never, is not, and will never be about us.

It's all about You, Jesus.

best of me
Monday, Apr. 14, 2008
10:43 pm
I realise a lot of my entries start like this, but wow it's the middle of April. We're about halfway into term 2 already, all the deadlines lining themselves up far too closely together...

As you might be able to tell, it's been taking its toll on me. Or maybe that's not a fair assessment. They only have as much power over me as I let them. So I suppose it's really my fault, for giving in to the tiredness and not fighting to stay afloat. Because I have everything I need to live the most abundant, most fulfilling life possible for me. In God is all I could ever need.

But as the age-old story goes, I am only human, and I fail. A lot. To quote a certain lady...Quite the 'fear-lure' I am.

It really is about being disciplined. To turn to God when I feel too tired to lift my head, when I feel like I'm doing fine 'on my own'... To put Him first, above all of my hopes and dreams, and the many other things that I let take His place.

It's kinda hard to recognise, sometimes, that we've put other things above Him. The most common thing of course is academics. I know I fall prey to that far too often. I say I'm putting God first, and that all I do is to bring glory to Him. So, being called by Him to be a student for this time in my life, I work hard to do well so I can ascribe all glory to Him. He deserves our best, right? So in everything, every exam, every test, every assignment, I've gotta give my best. Produce the best piece of work I possible could. Maximise my potential, my capabilities, be the best that I have it in me to be.

But this is not all there is to life. I guess because it's like my 'job' for now, upon which my future depends, as I get reminded far too often, and because it really does constitute a major part of my life, "doing your best" always gets associated with doing well in school. I mean, that's where the struggle is, right? In school. Anything outside school is a luxury, is release, relief. Don't need to worry about 'doing my best' there, because it comes naturally. It's not something that's a chore, so it's not something I have to constantly tell myself to work hard at.

But there is so much more to life than work. There's God, family, friends, ministry, whatever you do in your spare time, stuff like that. And my "best" can't be compartmentalised. I cannot look at each area of my life individually and strive to do my best in each, independent of the others. I guess it's kind of like econs. The problem of scarcity. I have a certain amount of 'resources' to use to "do my best". Technically speaking, as long as the resources are fully employed, I should be doing my best.

But that's not the kind of best that we are called to be, I think. We have to strive to be the best that we can be as people, as a whole person, instead of as just a student, or as a daughter, or as a friend. I'm not sure if this is making sense cos I don't really know how to put it across. But basically, if I use up all my resources in the academic aspect of my life, by devoting all my time to studying, to doing work, to thinking about doing work... That's not gonna leave anything for the rest of my life, and all that will go to waste. We need to be -I hesitate to use this term because it reminds me terribly of school- all-rounded in our pursuit of best-ness.

Excelling in school at the expense of neglecting to spend time with God would be a failure on my part. I may be doing my best in school, but I'm definitely not doing my best with God. I guess that's what it means by putting God first. Above all else, we strive to do our best with God. And then we go about doing our best in the rest of our lives. And the way I was talking about resources and scarcity and stuff makes it sound like there are opportunity costs involved, and there are, of course, but I don't think there are opportunity costs that cause us to compromise on maximising our potential. Assuming we put God first. Cos He is Jehovah Jireh, He provides, He's gigantic la please. What is crucial is that He comes first. Above all. That we give Him the best of our sacrifice.

Yeah.

resolutions
Friday, Apr. 04, 2008
11:10 pm
it's time
to start over again
and it's okay
to fall apart sometimes

i'll find myself in You
not in me, in You

take me away
Saturday, Mar. 29, 2008
11:58 pm
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

-
Monday, Mar. 24, 2008
8:52 pm
no matter what,
i choose You.
i choose You.

be my escape.
Monday, Mar. 24, 2008
1:11 am
yes it is easter
yes i am thankful for the resurrection
because it was by that that i now live
it is the existence of hope
the hope that i must cling so dearly to
yes i just made new resolutions
to stop slacking
and pick up this cross again
not just dragging it along
but carrying it fully

but i am tired
and right now
i really just want to be a kid again.
just to be entitled to the right to throw a tantrum for no good reason
to not have to be responsible for anyone
not even yourself

to know nothing
and therefore have no responsibility to act
not even to help myself
to just know that i need help
and to let myself to be helped

to be vulnerable.
or maybe its an issue of pride.

screw this.
i'm going to sleep.

i didn't really mean that.
i don't know what's wrong with me tonight.
teach me to surrender..
give me strength..
grant me peace..

it is well with my soul
but sometimes we need to admit that it's not.

Maybe redemption is right where you fell
Tuesday, Mar. 18, 2008
12:39 am
So this season of lent hasn't gone quite the way I intended it to. It hasn't been much of a problem staying off MSN (except on days when I was really dying of boredom), but I didn't spend the extra time with God, as was the plan. Didn't even use it in a way that honoured Him. Didn't even use it very productively, by any standards, really.

So I guess it just got really tiring after awhile. Because MSN is really not a bad thing. And it's the main way I keep in contact with people, so the past 40 days, I've been cut off from the world, really. Part of my purpose in fasting from MSN in the first place was to learn to depend more on God rather than always turning to people for support, for comfort, or whatever. And when I failed to do that, the whole practice just became rather meaningless. Ritualistic. Bad.

I've hardly spent any quality time with God this season. Any time, really. And it's not even like I forgot to. Sometimes, yeah, that was the case, but many times I found myself thinking 'I should pray' or 'I should go read the Bible', and then just not doing that. It's not like I didn't know better.

I wrote this back in Sec 3:

"The Captive"
Four walls surround him, cage him in
Not a glimmer of light is nigh
But just outside, beyond these walls
His spirit's soaring high

Chasing after elusive dreams
He never will achieve
For though the spirit's willing
The flesh is very weak

On the cold floor he lies asleep
Denied a peaceful slumber
His heart's desires, still unfulfilled
Leave him torn asunder

A door appears - his route to freedom
If only he could reach it
Convinced he can't, he laments
Collapses, falls defeated

He wonders, "when will i be free?"
And looks into the mirror
He finds himself now staring at
The face of his own captor

And this in Sec 4:
Turn Away
Verse 1
It's funny how sometimes you know
The thing that's gonna kill you
Is right before your eyes but yet
You still reach out to touch it

Verse 2
And the thing you know can save you from
This grave you've dug yourself
Is right here too, right next to you
But you hesitate to take it

Pre-chorus
And it makes no sense
To push away the right
To gain what's wrong
But you know my foolish ways and me
Just keep on going strong

Chorus
But I know You are the One I need
The One who'll always stay with me
You'll deliver me from all my fears
Let no harm ever befall me
With You on my side
No one could ever come against me
You're everything that I could ever need
But still I find that I
Turn away

Bridge
How could I be such a fool to let this go?
To turn away the only true love that I'll ever know
You gave it all for me
But yet I turn against You
When will I ever learn
I can't survive without You

And now here I am in J2 and it feels like I'm in the same position again. Again and again, over and over I fall. It's very easy to feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of loving Him and leaving Him. Of extreme faith and pathetic misery. And it's really just stubbornness. Because, really, I know better than this. I know that it's a matter of putting faith over feelings. I am fully aware of my emo tendencies, especially during these periods of struggle. I know that I can't do it on my own, but that the God in whom I place my faith can carry me through, if only I am willing. And yet I indulge in these melancholic moods, fuelled by the conscious remembrance of certain events in my life, set against a soundtrack of the most emo songs you can get... All the while knowing that I'm just getting further and further away.

I know.
And yet I can't be bothered.
I know I should want to be.
But it really doesn't feel like.
I really don't have the motivation.

And yet these are not valid excuses.
Because it was never about me.
It is not about my tiredness, not about my weakness, not about my failings, but about the God who promised that those who hope in Him will renew their strength, will rise on wings like eagles, will run and not grow weary. The God who can take failures and turn them into successes. The God whose strength is made perfect in weakness. The God who can and has redeemed me, who can redeem this seemingly wasted time and life.

I don't want to be like the soldiers, gambling at the foot of the cross. I want to be looking at You. And though I am weak, You make me strong. And with Your strength, I can do anything. With You, nothing is impossible.

So I take my eyes off the clothes, all these worldy things, and lift my eyes to You. I let go of the dice and lift my hands to You. And I will look to You, the author and perfector of my faith. Because the image of You on the cross is not the dark and depressing picture it appears to be. There were crowds jeering and mocking. The few faithful who remained were mostly hiding out, away from the mob. You died that day.

But this is the strongest image of hope, knowing, of course, that You would arise. The climax of the greatest story ever told. Your death on the cross paid the price for our lives. Your death on the cross renewed the hope which was long lost. This is love.

So I choose You.
Help me to choose You, every day.

i wanna see miracles
to see the world change
wrestled the angel
for more than a name
for more than a feeling
for more than a cause
i'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
and You're raising the dead in me

I'm not copping out.

dear Lord...
Sunday, Mar. 16, 2008
1:53 pm
i know i haven't been the best kid
the best friend
or the best person
in many ways
i have been like the soldiers
gambling at the foot of the cross
the cross
where you hung
suffering
dying
saving
the world
saving
us
and all they cared about
was material possessions
failing to see
you
the King of kings
Lord of lords
Saviour of the world
forgive me, lord
for i know i am not much better at times
getting caught up in the doing
doing good things
forgetting why i do them
forgetting You

God, i need You.

and there goes a wasted holiday.
Thursday, Mar. 13, 2008
9:06 pm
so far, my holiday has consisted of the following things:

sleeping
sleeping
eating
sleeping
sleeping
one movie
sleeping
sleeping
failed attempts at completing work
sleeping
sleeping
sleeping

i'm not even exaggerating. the other day i woke up at 9 and took a nap at 11. ...

in other news, i met up with a couple of good old friends for lunch today so i guess that was nice even though all we did was eat and leave since someone had piano.

i guess certain things have been made clearer, too, and clarity is always good, in the end..

so after 4 days of sloth and inertia, the next few days are looking pretty packed...
just a few more days for redemption.

ps/ yes i realise this is a completely rubbish post.

firstcorinthiansthirteen.
Wednesday, Mar. 05, 2008
9:15 pm
all i hear are angels crying
oh, won't they just sing instead?

the one thing
that can warm
the coldest heart
touch
the most unfeeling of people
light up
the darkest soul
and set it free.

one thing
that can break
the most
secure
confident
in-control

because it makes you vulnerable
you can't shut it out
at least not forever
you can't turn it on and off
can't control it

we are at its mercy, really
the instigator of the cruelest suffering

or
the best thing that ever happened

in need of a good book.
Tuesday, Mar. 04, 2008
10:58 pm
When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.
If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like - a thrashing, panicking, trapped great beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions.
But that's the thing about love - no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it's silent. You're screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.

- cecilia ahern, "if you could see me now"

faith.
Monday, Mar. 03, 2008
11:08 pm
i'm not too sure
what this is
where i stand

any previous convictions i had have grown weak,
perhaps from not being used
for so long?

or is that even possible?

it's the same old struggle
the same old cry
faith over feelings

faith.

when you don't understand
when you can't see His plan
when you can't trace His hand
trust His heart

but i need to know

-enter darkness.
Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
2:31 pm
Sometimes when you're looking for something, you look up and find it right in front of you.

Sometimes, in order to find what you're looking for, you search through a whole bunch of things that you aren't looking for.

Sometimes, you have to.
In order to know joy, you've got to know sorrow.
In order to know relief, you must experience suffering.

In order to find the truth, you have to look among the lies.
In order to have faith, some need nothing more than someone to have faith in.
Sometimes that's enough for me.
But sometimes, I need to find out for myself.

I must travel to the deepest of depths and find that You are still there for me. I must experience for myself the truth of these claims, that there is nowhere I can go that Your love will not find me. Whether I reside in the heavens or in the depths of the sea, I must know that I will find You there. That You will find me. I must know it, because it is the truth.

And I do know it, have known it - in my mind, forever, and in my innermost being. But now I must search again. I must take to that journey I once travelled before, to find that which I have found before, but seem to have misplaced. I need a reminder.

And though it may seem I am not progressing, I must believe that I am. For we are always moving ahead, even as we fall behind. Time waits for no one, does not pause, does not stop, does not rewind. And every experience accumulated adds to the person that you are at this very moment.

Perhaps as I grow in years, what lies below also changes. What I once considered to be the lowest of lows now does not seem so bad, and is replaced by something else - a new depth. And so once again, I must journey to the new bottom and rediscover the same truths I once challenged, doubted and wrestled with, yet sought and found to be true. And each successful journey I make will only strengthen me further.

Maybe.
Or maybe it just shows that I am weaker than the average. But if this is what it takes, then so be it. I cannot live with a half-hearted faith. I cannot keep trying to reason, explain and understand with my mind, because there are many things the mind cannot capture. So whether this is a result of weakness, or simply a new phase of life, I will walk willingly into it, knowing that, always, there is grace.

i will seek You
and find You
as i seek
with all my heart.

falling slowly
Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
11:40 pm
seasons change
(in most places)

healthy green leaves

to golden
orange
an idyllic, picturesque setting perhaps

then brown
shrivelled
wrinkled

on the tree
on the ground
into the ground
and back up again.

just an endless cycle

of life
rejuvenation
newfound purposes
rekindled passions
excitement and drive
anything is possible

and death
darkness
despair
disillusionment and jaded-ness
what's the point of it all?

what is the point?

take this sinking boat
and point it home
we've still got time...
raise your hopeful voice
you have a choice

gotta make it now
again
and over again
every single day.

somewhere inside me
i know.

when i go down...
Monday, Feb. 25, 2008
12:30 am
When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet You love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do You make it light
As I exhale I hear Your voice
And I answer You, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Cause I love You
Oh God, I love You

And life is now worth living
If only because of You
And when they say that I am dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to You
I won't look very far
Cause You'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

when i go down...
you lift me up again

a heart that beats only for You
Monday, Feb. 25, 2008
12:23 am
i will follow after You
for You are my desire
o Jesus, my heart belongs to You

i will, i will, i will.
i must.

for You alone are great in power
You alone are my strong tower
and i will lift my heart and soul
to worship You alone

You alone are my desire
You have set my heart on fire
and i will lift my heart and soul
to worship You alone

You alone, Lord
are enough for me.

Jesus, i believe...

something's missing.
Saturday, Feb. 23, 2008
9:36 pm
just one of those nights...
when everything feels wrong
and all i have to hold on to
is the
faith
that You are always right

but have i faith enough?

words i have many
words of truth, even
some would say
including i
but what is truth without belief?
persuasive words without faith?

yes, i know the answers are within me somewhere..
answers i have sought and found
time after time
and yet, i can never find enough
it never lasts
i must return to this quest
this same journey
the same goal

round and round and round...
and i know there is a purpose
i know
i might even believe

but tonight
i need help

please?

goodbye tonight
Friday, Feb. 15, 2008
1:45 am
And once again, I find myself online at unearthly hours, wasting the night away by doing inconsequential things such as surfing facebook because it makes me feel as though...I don't know.

I really shouldn't be here.

only hope.
Monday, Feb. 11, 2008
12:20 am
there's only one way that hope's gonna hold out.
and that's if that hope is Jesus.

so for the millionth time,
i'm crawling back to You
and just as You did every time before
i find You running towards me
with arms wide open
to love me
embrace me
accept me
forgive me
wipe this slate clean
and let me start anew
for the millionth time.

but when will i learn?

it's dangerous
Saturday, Feb. 09, 2008
8:37 pm
to fall in love
with ideas:

the reality almost always disappoints.

and when it does
you're left hanging
one finger hooked around
that higher level
of ideas and ideals

don't look
it's a long way down
and your only hope
is hope itself
the very hope
from which you dangle

so the question is
is there strength enough?
would you put
your life
in the hands
of your grandest dreams
your deepest desires
your bundle of hopes?
are they strong enough?

in four days, four years
Friday, Feb. 08, 2008
10:04 pm
so go past the lights and all the excuses
you could've left 'sincerely yours'
don't you think it's obvious that i want to say more?
but anything too daring to say to you
will be said in this letter
then burned away
so you never realise i'm here

i'm thinking of your vague reply
so i can understand
why we put this at rest
why we forget to
say that we were leaving
say that we were sorry
the past remains unspoken
as this vacant night is dying
but i still miss your summer perfume
this cold air brings in such a distance to us
such a painful distance

one of those days.
Friday, Feb. 08, 2008
3:00 pm
There are days where, despite the years of experience, of growth, of maturing and learning (and in spite of the damaging education we are subjected to), I feel as though I know nothing.

It's not that everything around me seems new or unfamiliar, but I feel as though I'm looking through the eyes of a completely neutral observer. Not involved, not engaged, not knowing, not feeling. Detached. I know omniscient narrators have their perks, but it doesn't quite work that way in real life. This just feels weird.

Maybe I need some more sleep.

cny greetings
Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
11:03 pm
just dropping by to say
happy new year guys

The Adventure Begins.
Wednesday, Feb. 06, 2008
12:06 am
And thus begins the 40-day fast from MSN Messenger - the best and worst thing that I have ever shared my life with.

I feel as though a part of me just died.

Cielo, we can do this! Starbucks is waiting at the end.

Goodbye, MSN. Goodbye, life.

Anyone who needs to contact me please message/call me.
Actually, please message/call me anyway. I need some form of contact with other humans.

I have a feeling my facebook account is going to be revived...

Ay. Cheers.

learning to breathe
Saturday, Feb. 02, 2008
1:59 am
i could use a fresh beginning too
all of my regrets are nothing new

we like to speak of cycles and seasons, of circusses and merry-go-rounds, of circles that have no end..
and every now and then, perhaps too often, i find myself consumed, being dragged under by the ocean's currents, struggling to keep my head above water.. overwhelmed by the waves of recycled thoughts that come, nothing new, nothing foreign, and yet they hit with the same force and impact as they did on the very first encounter.

this is the way that
i'm learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm learning that You and You alone can break my fall
i'm living again
awake and alive
i'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

back to square one

so this is the way that i say i need You
this is the way that i say i love You
this is the way that i say i'm Yours
this is the way, this is the way...

take control.

in the end, it's still a waiting game
Friday, Feb. 01, 2008
2:32 am
what is this stupid game that we play
where we're actors and actresses, never the same
and where is the victory, sweet fruit of trial?
the pot at the end of the rainbow, the goal
learns, too, to engage in this alternate world
where in truth the reality is not real at all
and the truth is but lies spoken over again

but no one sees

somewhere in the middle
Thursday, Jan. 31, 2008
12:22 am
Just how close can I get, Lord,
to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end
and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

till further notice,
Saturday, Jan. 26, 2008
9:16 pm
i love you

What I Do When I Should Be Sleeping.
Friday, Jan. 25, 2008
11:53 pm
Since I have no new epiode of Grey's to watch, this shall have to compensate my loss.

You Are a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

You live your life in a free form, artistic style. You are incredibly creative and at times, quite messy. Deep down, you are a kid at heart. And you aren't afraid to express it. Your best friend: The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Your mortal enemy: The Club Sandwich

Today, Tonight.
Friday, Jan. 25, 2008
10:54 pm
Today, nothing feels right.

Not even You, God.
But I know that You are.

And I need You.
Today, tomorrow, forever.

All the world is waiting for the sun
Friday, Jan. 25, 2008
12:36 am
I cannot put this into words.

Possibly because it is not logical.

So it remains a cloud of wispy thought swirling around in my head, serving no one, going nowhere...

About to rain on my non-existent parade.

be my sunshine after the rain

i will survive.
Friday, Jan. 18, 2008
12:21 am
You are my strength, strength like no other

live like you mean it, love till you feel it
Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2008
12:38 am
"Debbie is fighting to stay alive."
So reads my facebook status update.

[I gladly give facebook this free advertising.. It is one of the very few sources of contact I have with the world outside of IBDP.]

But anyway, that is not the focus of this post.

So a nice little box pops up on my computer screen, courtesy of MSN Messenger (my other best friend), and my friend asks, "what's up?", mentioning that he just saw my facebook thingy.

"You don't have cancer or anything, do you?"

Now, he is, of course, just joking. But I just had a nice shower during which I was contemplating the greater mysteries and complexities of life and love and wondering if a duckling would settle nicely into a larger-than-average toilet bowl. It would be just like a mini pond.

Apart from that very intellectually stimulating question, I was considering the situation where the answer to my friend's question was a definite yes. For those of you who got distracted by images of my cute fluffy little non-existent duckling... What if I did have cancer?

There are a few questions in life that are asked one too many times: What do you plan to study? What do you plan to be? What would you do if a gun was held to your head and you were asked if you believed in Jesus Christ?
What would you do if you found out you had cancer?

This is my resolution for the year: for my answer to that question to be "absolutely nothing".

Not nothing nothing, but just nothing different. It would be the ideal if I could simply go on living life the way I had been before I discovered that I had cancer (or whatever other life-threatening disease), because that would mean that I am living. I am living the life that I was meant to live. Every thing that I do is another step towards fulfilling my life's purpose. I have not suppressed my dreams and aspirations in pursuit of a more pragmatic lifestyle, but have run after them, chased them down, and whether successful or not, I have at least tried. Each day has been lived with no regrets, such that there is no long list of "Must-Do's Before I Die" to rush around completing. I am contented.

So of course, the million dollar question now is: if I found out that I had but a year left to live, would I drop out of IB?
I would love to say yes, but the answer is no. As much as it stresses me out sometimes - a lot of the time - I know that this is where I'm meant to be, and this is the task I have been entrusted with for this point in my life, whether I have a few months, a year, or many years left.

And so, life goes on.

be still
Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
11:31 pm
be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last
be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below

consider this.
Friday, Jan. 11, 2008
11:19 pm
"The awareness of sin used to be our shadow. Christians hated sin, feared it, fled from it, grieved over it. Some of our grandparents agonized over their sins. A man who lost his temper might wonder whether he could still go to Holy Communion. A woman who for years envied her more attractive and intelligent sister might worry that this sin threatened her very salvation... In today's group confessionals it is harder to tell. The newer language of Zion fudges: "Let us confess our problem with human relational adjustment dynamics, and especially our feebleness in networking." Or, "I'd just like to share that we just need to target holiness as a growth area." Where sin is concerned, people just mumble now."
- Alvin Plantinga

It's time to get serious about sin.

the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

you give me riches for my poverty

I wandered through fiction to search for the truth...
Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2008
10:30 pm
I feel like such a mess sometimes.

Like I'm stuck inside an elaborate labyrinth - can't remember how I ended up inside, and of course, no visible way out. Most walls are high, barricading me in and blocking my view of the sanity that resides outside; those that are low enough for me to see over simply give way to taller walls behind it.

I wonder if this is how mice feel in those mazes humans like to put them through. Scuttling around, unsure which way is up, which way is down, which way is right, which way is wrong, or if there is even a right or wrong way. How can you know the way if you don't know your destination?

I need to rediscover purpose. A fresh vision. I need to wake up from the dead and live. We were meant to live for so much more...

Time to sleep.

what would it take for you to see?

temporary disconnection
Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2008
10:40 pm
Sometimes you wanna cry
but you can't seem to find the tears.

Sometimes you wanna shout and scream
but you remember the neighbours.
Sometimes you wanna run ahead
but you remember your ageing grandma.
Sometimes you wanna take the jump
but you remember all those you'd leave behind.
Sometimes you wanna care just for yourself
but you just can't.

Sometimes you want to break free from the mould you appear to be stuck in, just because.
But you trap yourself, even as you try to escape.

and sometimes you don't know who you are

God help me find peace..

you'll never walk alone
Monday, Jan. 07, 2008
11:20 pm
i'm so tired..

but You are my strength.
and will be, forevermore...

empty to be filled
Sunday, Jan. 06, 2008
9:49 pm
Holy Fire
burn away
my desire
for anything that is not of You
and is of me
i want more of You
and less of me

empty me-

this heart will beat only for You
this voice will sing only Your praise

-fill me with You

You will see heaven from here.
Tuesday, Jan. 01, 2008
12:17 pm
So the new year has come bashing through the door with the force of a mighty gust of wind, rattling the window panes, and blowing loose sheets of paper and other various items from their resting places into new positions of disarray, leaving things looking pretty much the same in the greater scheme of things, but completely different in the minor.

With homework left undone, resolutions unresolved and new ones unmade, the last few days of 2007 spent rushing from place to place and task to task with no consideration for a time of quiet reflection and taking stock of the year gone by, I was nowhere near ready for this.

But here we are, prepared or not, on the threshold of a new year, filled with what is sure to seem like mountains of troubles and trials, periods of darkness and gloom, sadness and strife, but also, the endless opportunities that those times will bring, because we know that it is through these times of testing that we grow. It is only under the highest pressures that diamonds are created. It is in the valleys, rather than the mountaintops, that the most beautiful of flowers grow. Cos the hard times make us strong.

And so even as I stand here, legs trembling, peering ever so slightly out into the year ahead, I am confident. I am confident that there is nothing I will face that I cannot overcome with the help of my God. That though there may be extended periods of darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel yields such a great sense of relief and joy only because of that tunnel of darkness.

I will live in the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ, for it is sufficient for me. In my weakness, He is strong. In my failings, He is perfect. And it is through the numerous cracks in this jar of clay that His light is able to shine through.

And so I ask that You break me again, Lord. May I be ever humble, humbled by the wonder of You. May I never think for one moment that I can cover up my shame with leaves, that I can patch up these cracks myself, that I can live without You. Because I can't. You are the air I breathe, and there is no other way to live except with You at the centre of my life. So I pray, Lord, that You be my guiding light. That You be my vision. That You give me the grace and strength to live as You have called me to. Cos Lord, You know I'm not that strong. But I trust in You. I trust that with You, all things are possible, and You will provide the means for me to live my life Your way.

I know I'm not the best at surrendering - not just my will, but the things that affect my decision-making - my fears, my insecurities, my hopes and dreams, my love, my heart, my entire being... But I thank You that You take me as You find me, just as I am, all my fears and failings.. So knowing that I am safe in Your arms, Lord, I surrender.

I recognise that these are resolutions that I'm gonna have to make again and again, and not just this once, at the start of the new year, but that's okay.

My mission is to glorify. Be glorified in me, O Lord, be glorified.

I am no longer my own, but Thine. Put me to what Thou wilt, rank me with whom Thou wilt; put me to doing, put me to suffering; let me be employed for Thee or laid aside for Thee, exalted for Thee or brought low for Thee; let me be full, let me be empty; let me have all things, let me have nothing; I freely and heartily yield all things to Thy pleasure and disposal. And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Thou art mine, and I am thine. So be it. And the Covenant which I have made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven. Amen.

Here's to an awesome 2008. A year of discoveries, of breakthroughs, of learning. A year filled with Jesus.

Cheers!

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Benevolent Artist

Hello. I'm with a global enterprise. We have branches in every country in the world. We have representatives in nearly every parliament and boardroom on earth. We're into motivation and behaviour alteration. We run hospitals, feeding stations, crisis-pregnancy centres, universities, publishing houses, and nursing homes. We care for our clients from birth to death. We are into life insurance and fire insurance. We perform spiritual heart transplants. Our original Organizer owns all the real estate on earth plus an assortment of galaxies and constellations. He knows everything and lives everywhere. Our product is free for the asking. (There's not enough money to buy it.) Our CEO was born in a hick town, worked as a carpenter, didn't own a home, was misunderstood by his family and hated by his enemies, walked on water, was condemned to death without a trial, and arose from the dead. I talk with him every day.

I AM A PART OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE UNASHAMED. I HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT POWER. THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST. I HAVE STEPPED OVER THE LINE. THE DECISION HAS BEEN MADE. I AM A DISCIPLE OF JESUS CHRIST. I WON'T GO BACK, LET UP, SLOW DOWN, BACK AWAY OR BE STILL.

MY PAST IS REDEEMED, MY PRESENT MAKES SENSE, MY FUTURE IS SECURE. I AM FINISHED AND DONE WITH LOW LIVING, SIGHT WALKING, SMALL PLANNING ,SMOOTH KNEES, COLOURLESS DREAMS, TAMED VISIONS, MUNDANE TALKING, CHEAP GIVING AND DWARFED GOALS.

I NO LONGER NEED PREEMINENCE, PROSPERITY, POSITION, PROMOTIONS, PLAUDITS OR POPULARITY. I DON'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT, FIRST, TOPS, RECOGNISED, PRAISED, REGARDED OR REWARDED. I NOW LIVE BY FAITH, LEAN ON HIS PRESENCE, LOVE WITH PATIENCE, LIFT BY PRAYER AND LABOUR WITH POWER.

MY FACE IS SET, MY GAIT IS FAST, MY GOAL IS HEAVEN, MY ROAD IS NARROW, MY WAY IS ROUGH, MY COMPANIONS FEW, MY GUIDE IS RELIABLE AND MY MISSION CLEAR.

I CANNOT BE BOUGHT, COMPROMISED, DETERRED, LURED AWAY, TURNED BACK, DELUDED OR DELAYED. I WILL NOT FLINCH IN THE FACE OF SACRIFICE, HESITATE IN THE PRESENCE OF ADVERSITY, NEGOTIATE AT THE TABLE OF THE ENEMY, PONDER AT THE POOL OF POPULARITY OR MEANDER IN THE MAZE OF MEDIOCRITY.

I WON'T GIVE UP, BACK UP, LET UP OR SHUT UP UNTIL I'VE PREACHED UP, PRAYED UP, PAID UP, STORED UP AND STAYED UP FOR THE CAUSE OF CHRIST. I AM A DISCIPLE OF JESUS CHRIST. I MUST GO UNTIL HE RETURNS, GIVE UNTIL I DROP, PREACH UNTIL ALL KNOW AND WORK UNTIL HE STOPS ME.

AND WHEN HE COMES TO GET HIS OWN, HE WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM RECOGNISING ME. MY COLOURS WILL BE CLEAR FOR "I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THE GOSPEL, BECAUSE IT IS THE POWER OF GOD FOR THE SALVATION OF EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES." (Romans 1:16)