sunrays and saturdays
Saturday, Dec. 29, 2007
10:18 pm
even though it never worked,
i still feel love for you

i wish you sunrays and saturdays
perfect starry nights
sweet dreams and moon beams
and a love that's warm and bright
sunrays and saturdays
friendship strong and true
oceans of blue and a room with a view
to live the life you choose

can you see?
Saturday, Dec. 29, 2007
12:48 am
I know you like to hide away
Breathe in the smell of a rainy day
You keep your head down
Try to avoid their eyes
So you don't have to be someone
And from a distance
I can see you crying
And I wish that I could stop the tears from falling
I know it's hard but soon enough
You're gonna have to face your fears head on
Cos you can't always be

Running away, running away from the sun
Sometimes you try to keep still, but everything comes undone
But it's these mistakes that show us
What it means to be alive
Sometimes you've gotta take a chance
And just stop running from the sun

The hours stretch on forever
As you hide there in your world
These sentiments aren't new
You've been in this place before
And it's funny you should find yourself here again
I see confusion in your eyes, a helpless burden
And I wish that I could take the pain away
But you know that I can't do this for you
But I'll be there, as you face this life
But you can't be

Running away, running away from the sun
Sometimes you try to keep still, but everything comes undone
But it's these mistakes that show us
What it means to be alive
Sometimes you've gotta take a chance
And just stop running from the sun

Fly through my dreams so I can take a ride with you tonight
Wednesday, Dec. 19, 2007
12:57 am
I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep?
And fly through my dreams
So I can take a ride with you tonight

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace..

Here I am
Saying, "I need You; I know I need You..."

To feel the love, you've gotta spread it.
Friday, Dec. 14, 2007
2:12 am
It's funny how the smallest of things that people say or do can make you feel so good sometimes.

So don't hold back.
Don't assume that people know what you feel like telling them. (you'll make an ASS of U and ME! haa ha ha)

Don't hesitate to tell people...
It was nice to see them
You've been thinking of them
You're proud of them
You're thankful that they're in your life
Thank you
You recognise their effort
You think they're awesome
You love them.

I remember one of those email forward chains saying something like
Smile, cos you never know who's watching
and we all know how a smile can brighten up a day...

Yes. Random things that hit me at unearthly hours...

So I Fall.
Monday, Dec. 10, 2007
11:40 pm
Every now and then I find myself running ahead of myself. Hm. I should really stop indulging in music and thoughts that will take me nowhere...

I know I know better than this.
I know You've brought me up and taught me better than this.
I'm sorry.
Once again, I'm on my knees, saying
I need You, I know I need You...

And so I fall into Your arms of love
Lord, You take me as I am
I surrender to Your ways, O Lord
I'll love You all my days
Jesus, You know I'm not that strong
You'll give me strength to carry on
help me to trust and follow You
Lord, I will live for You...

So the waves are choppy, the storm dark and fierce. So what.
My God is bigger.

And so I fall.
No holding back, no trying to break my fall on my own...
I'm free-falling...into Your arms.

slow.
Sunday, Dec. 09, 2007
11:56 pm
okay.
i need
to slow down.

my holidays are exhausting me.
that's never a good thing.

Jesus, be the centre...

just one in the world
Thursday, Dec. 06, 2007
12:37 am
And in the still of the night
In an apartment filled with people
In a condominium with 5 blocks
Plus terrace houses
-More people
In a neighbourhood
-Still more people
A city, a country, an island.
-4 million people.
In a continent
- one of seven
In the whole wide world
now connected by technology
In the midst of all this, I realise
it's so easy to feel
a l o n e

Let's rearrange, I wish you were a stranger I could disengage.
Thursday, Dec. 06, 2007
12:06 am
So...it's been awhile. Random updates here and there, but nothing really of my own. I know.

Every now and then I realise I don't know what to write here. I'm not quite sure what this blog is here for. It's not one of those this-is-what-I-did-today, this-is-what-is-going-on-in-my-life (NOW WITH ADDED DETAIL!) blogs, neither do I have enough wisdom and revelation to make this a deep, intellectual blog filled with musings about life and life beyond...

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know what I should be saying. Or maybe that's just an excuse.

Writing's a kind of...release for me, I guess. Sometimes. I know when I have to write, when there's something in me, itching to get out. And those times, the words come pretty naturally; but sometimes, like now, there are no words, and yet it feels like there's so much inside of me. Guess I haven't quite found the release trigger for times like these.

So um, at the risk of sounding like one of those bloggers who reveal every little detail of their lives (no offense, I know I used to be like that), I'm sitting here in front of my computer screen, watching letters appear one by one, according to a set of rules that someone somewhere sometime ago created to form this thing called the English language. There are so many things in this world that don't seem to make sense, and yet do. Things we can't understand, and yet do, or think we do. I'm probably not making much sense, I know. It's okay.

Friends. Old friends, new friends. Acquaintances, close friends, best friends. Walking in and walking out and walking, walking, walking.

What I wouldn't give sometimes for time to just stand still so we could sit and watch the world pass us by...

this is what i stand for.
Wednesday, Nov. 21, 2007
4:35 pm
I will make a difference.

Jesus, I thank You that You suffered and died for me on the cross to pay for my sins. Father, I thank You that You raised Jesus from the dead to be my living Lord and Saviour. Holy Spirit, I thank You that You will lead me to do the right thing and change my world.

Today, Lord, I want to make You a promise. I will not be ashamed of Your name or Your gospel. I will do what I can for those who are persecuted and pray for them. I will look enemies in the eye and love them with Your love. I will pray for them and love them - no matter what the consequences. I will follow Your voice wherever You lead me, unafraid, for I know You will be with me.

If I should stumble, if I fall, if I should deny Your name, if I should feel guilty that I did not pray or forgot to do something You've asked me to do, I will not quit. I will not wallow in guilt. I will turn back to You, confess my sin, and do what You called me to do, because that is why You died for me.

I will stand with You and my brothers and sisters around the world. Because no matter what happens, no matter what I face or how it looks, in the end, we will be victorious - we will inherit eternity and heaven with You.

I can do nothing else because I am a Jesus freak.

my mission is to glorify.
Monday, Nov. 19, 2007
1:00 pm

forever and ever amen.
Saturday, Nov. 17, 2007
2:06 am
i love You.
You are my strength.
when i am weak and when i am strong.
always and forever.

and i fall into Your arms...

realise.
Tuesday, Nov. 06, 2007
2:12 am
so i fall
i dont wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
can't handle this at all

how long have i been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the ocean
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i'd see you
this darkness would turn to light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
i know everything will be alright
i know everything is alright

if you just realise what i just realised
we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now

Fall afresh on me.
Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2007
11:12 pm

Love is only seventeen.
Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2007
12:23 am
It's another nice, windy night. Perfect, except for the rain, which is smelling kind of queer tonight - like a mixture of cotton candy and marshmallows and honey and something else. But other than that, my favourite kind of night.

So I was sitting at my window again, looking out at nothing in particular - just looking. At the same picture I've been looking at through the years... And even as I've grown another year older, I'm still in the same position I've been, on a similar night to many preceding it..

But hopefully as each year passes and I continue to look out that same window, I'll see things from a slightly altered perspective.. Not completely different, but with an added dimension or two. Because even as we grow, we've gotta be able to look back and remember.

Cheers to God, who's been so faithful all these years.

The eye of the storm.
Monday, Oct. 15, 2007
8:42 pm
It's a cool night out. The wind's blowing - not too weak, not too strong, but just right. In the living room outside, the tv is on, broadcasting the latest updates on the golf championships one minute, gunshots and screams the next. In another room, there's a pair of eyes fixated on a tiny LCD screen, fingers furiously jabbing at tinier buttons, desperate to rid the world of all evil. From the bathroom comes sounds one would not care to elaborate upon. All in all, an ordinary night.

But here, here in this room, somewhere in between the lazy activity of the house and the quiet stillness of the night, something takes place. A moment. Oh, make no mistake. It comes packaged like any other - an ordinary night, as mentioned. Throw in a wayward beetle finding its way onto the pillow, much too close for comfort, and a couple more interruptions, and conditions are far from magical.

But perhaps that's what makes these moments so poignant. The unexpectedness, the element of surprise, the catching of one unguarded. And to the soundtrack of storms and melancholy and souls taking flight in the midst of all the noise (emo music to some..ahem), a moment takes place.

The silence is there, transcending even the noise. That unspeakable, comfortable, inexplicable silence; the silence of understanding, of breaking and then mending; of dreams and laughter and gentleness, in hearts at peace in a room in this house full of ordinary people going about their ordinary activities.

And it makes one think - or rather, remember - that there is wonder in the ordinary. If simply in a book, what more in the God who made that possible, in the God, given the title of Creator of the Universe? My God is a God of wonders. The God of wonders. Hallelujah...

One thing I desire...
Thursday, Oct. 11, 2007
11:36 pm
You.

the best years of our lives.
Sunday, Oct. 07, 2007
10:59 pm
evan taubenfeld.

We had the best years of our lives
but you and I will never be the same
September took me by surprise
and I was left to watch the seasons change

It's been so quiet since you've gone
and everyday feels more like a year
Sometimes I wish I could move on
the memories would all just disappear

So many things I should have
said when I had the chance
So many times we took it all for granted

I'd never thought this could ever end
never thought I'd lose my best friend
Everything is different now
Can we stop the world from turning?

I'd never thought I'd have to let you go
never thought I'd ever feel this low
I wish I could go back
and we stop the world from turning

Looking back on better days
when we were young, we thought we knew so much
And now it seems so far away
of wondering if I was good enough

So many things I should have
said when I had the chance
So many times we took it all for granted

I'd never thought we would ever end
I'd never thought I'd lose my best friend
Everything is different now
Can we stop the world from turning?

I'd never thought I'd have to let you go
I'd never thought I'd ever feel this low
I wish I could go back
and we stop the world from turning

Gone are the days
when we swore we'd never break
and now I'm left here alone

I'd never thought this would ever end
I'd never thought I'd lose my best friend
Everything is different now
Can we stop the world from turning?

I'd never thought I'd have to let you go
I'd never thought I'd ever feel this low
I wish I could go back
and we stop the world from turning

happy 85th.
Sunday, 30 September 2007
11:45 pm
I've never really been good at verbalising my thoughts or feelings... I'd much rather pen them down in a letter, or express it in some other way... Which explains the video tonight... It's not much, but I hope you realise how much you mean to me.

I don't think even I realised just how much... I don't get to see you very often, and even when I do, I don't talk to you that much, because it's always at these family dinners, with lots of people, and anyway, I'm not very good with the conversation thing.

But I can't imagine life without you. Christmas wouldn't be christmas without a big wong family dinner with cool party games and so many people whose names I should have learnt after all these years, but still cannot master. The sheer size of our 'family' dinners testifies to the amazing person you are...

one by one they came
far as the eye could see
each life somehow touched
by your generosity

Every dinner I look around at all the faces, friends and family - and sometimes I don't even know the difference, because you treat your friends like family, and I think to myself, "wow". So many lives represented there, and they are all lives that you have touched and impacted in one way or another.. You must be so proud. But of course, you wouldn't be, because you are so humble.. You truly are an example of Christ to me, and to all, I'm sure, and it's so evident, even if I couldn't say exactly why. You radiate His love and compassion, and you never cease to amaze me.

It feels like you hold the family together, you know, and I really don't know what would happen without you.. I can only hope and pray that we will learn from your example, and seek after God with all our hearts... To never give up on God or on each other, but instead to draw closer to Him, and to spur one another on towards Him... that your legacy will always remain in us, and generations of wongs to come will have a bit of you in them, as lea said.

I guess I don't know you very well, and you don't know how much I wish I knew you better.. But I'm proud to be your granddaughter. I truly, truly am. I am proud to have you for a grandfather. And I hope that you're proud to be mine...

Please take care of yourself, keep playing golf in real life and fantasy golf online like the cool grandad you are. I want you to be around for the big stuff in my life. I love you, grandad.. hope you had a great birthday..

thank you for giving to the Lord
i am a life that was changed
thank you for giving to the Lord
i am so glad you gave

thank you, grandad...

Christ alone.
Sunday, Sept. 30, 2007
2:57 am
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone.

I'll fly away
Friday, Sept. 28, 2007
1:38 am
Like the sun that rises every day
You are so faithful
Dear Lord, You are faithful
Like the rain that You bring
And every breath that I breathe
You are so faithful, O Lord

It's late, I know. And usually me being up late is not good. Well, I guess it's not good for anyone, but late nights generally mean lots of thinking...

Like a rose that comes alive every spring
O, You are so faithful
Dear Lord, You are faithful
Like the life that You give
To every beat of my heart
You are so faithful, O Lord

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking these days.. There's a lot that's been happening, although when I look back, I can't really recall it all. I don't quite know how to define it, though. When people ask me how I've been, I'm not sure what to say. Because the truth is, in the past two weeks alone, it feels like I've been to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and so much more in between. And that doesn't exactly make for casual conversation, or for an answer to a 'how have you been?' that is asked simply as a manner of speech. Even if the person was really interested, I can't seem to find the words or the place to begin, because there's so, so much to tell that something like the crowding effect (ho ho, econs!) somehow takes place and I'm left grasping at nothing for something. I guess I'm just not sure my words could do justice to it.

I see the cross, and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away

One thing I can say though, is that through the good times and the bad (and there have been many),
God is good.

In the midst of the storm
Through the wind and the waves
You'll still be faithful
O, You'll still be faithful
When the stars refuse to shine
And time is no more
You'll still be faithful

You'll still be faithful, my Lord

Matthew 11:28
Saturday, Sept. 22, 2007
10:42 pm
Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

-Jesus

be still my soul...
Saturday, Sept. 22, 2007
12:36 am
be still, my soul
the Lord is on your side
bear patiently
the cross of grief or pain
leave to your God to order and provide
in every change God faithful will remain
be still, my soul
your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

your hope, your confidence
let nothing shake

be still my soul..

God...
Monday, Sept. 17, 2007
10:29 pm
i need You.

now.
every day.
always.

i need You.

please remember
Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2007
9:53 pm
you've been hiding in the shadows
have you forgotten how we used to dream?
let me remind you
the light doesn't blind you at all
it just helps you see
can you see?

Enough.
Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007
12:04 am
"I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When living ain't easy
You can stand up against Me
And maybe rely on Me
And cry on Me, yeah"

and You're all i need.

Certainty.
Sunday, Sept. 02, 2007
9:48 pm
I feel myself lapsing into some sort of not-so-good, overly-pensive, unhealthily melancholic mood again. Which is never good.

These are strange times.. At times, all seems clear and I know what I must do, where I must go; but in the next moment, my vision gets cloudy, my mind confused... But no.
Still I am convinced:

My God reigns over all.
He is the One I live for.
The One whose face I seek.
The One I seek to know.
The One I love, and yearn to love more.
He is the One.
The only One.
Apart from Him, there is no other.
He is life.
Apart from Him, there is no life.

And so I remain strong.
I maintain confidence in Him.
In His grace that saves me.
In His love that redeems me.
Drawing strength from Him alone, I stand.
And though I may fall from time to time,
I fall into His arms -
ever-open, ever-ready to catch me when I fall.
And there I will rest and find solace in the arms of my God.
My Lord.
My Jesus.

Above All.
Friday, Aug. 24, 2007
12:33 am
Just a disclaimer:

A couple of entries back, I said that in the center of God's heart, we'd find ourselves...

I wasn't trying to use logic to show that we are actually at the center and that the world revolves around us...

Because it doesn't.
At all.

What I meant was that... well, I don't know exactly what I meant, actually.

In losing ourselves in worship, we find ourselves again.

In laying down our lives for the cause of Christ, we find life abundant and eternal.

Someone shared this with me today-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M4_IlbaZHA

Possibly the most amazing thing of all is that Jesus, being so much...

God
Saviour
King of Kings
Redeemer
Prince of Peace
Lord of Lords
High Priest
Good Shepherd
Judge
Bread of Life
Way
Truth
Life
Father
Friend

Though He is so much... Has so much..all the riches in not only the world, but in the heavens as well.. Despite all this..

His heart beats for us, above all.

speechless.
Wednesday, Aug. 22, 2007
11:12 pm
You leave me speechless
down on my knees
in Your glory, Lord, Your Majesty
Father, no words could do You justice
my heart cries out
holy
Father, You're holy
holy
are You

my mind could never fathom
the fullness of You, Lord
the smartest humans are left at
a loss of words
but my heart will ever praise You
and sing out Your name
in the language of the heart
this love is all that i can give

cos You leave me speechless...

A Life of Worship.
Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2007
11:27 pm
That's a phrase we like to throw around a lot. Myself included. And there's nothing wrong with that - I mean, it is something we should strive towards.

But I guess it's true that overusing things tends to render them less effective and impactful... Though in the case of God's Word, that shouldn't be the case, of course. But yeah, sometimes it cheapens the idea, I guess - at least in my mind. Lowers the standards, the minimum requirements.

But I must not and will not settle for less than the best when it comes to my offerings to God. I will not sacrifice to my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.

Worship. Worship. Worship.
The complete and total absence of self.
Losing ourselves in the wonder of God's glory.

Truly, in the presence of God, we realise with a start just how unrighteous and unclean we are. But we are not to dwell on that. That would be taking the focus off God..

Instead, we are compelled to worship. To fall facedown on our knees at the feet of God and with the hosts of heavenly beings, cry "holy, holy, holy are You, Lord"..

And somewhere in the midst of all that, we are cleansed. But again, the focus is not on our being cleansed, but Christ's grace, mercy, and love that allows us to be cleansed. It's got to be God-centered. All the time.

But in the center of God's heart..we will find ourselves.

A Grateful Heart.
Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007
10:59 pm
You know how the good always seems to accentuate the bad?

It's so much easier to think that this world is overcome by evil rather than good.

We've got to change our perspective, and let the bad highlight the good.

Overcome evil with good.

Rejoice in the good. Don't dwell on the bad.

Give thanks in all circumstances...

somewhere in between
Sunday, Aug. 12, 2007
9:09 pm
lifehouse.

i can't be losing sleep over this
no, i can't
and now i cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
i'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

cos i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cos by tomorrow morning
i'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back
to the way that it was
i wish that it was just that easy

cos i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm somewhere in between
of what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if i fall
out of what i fell in
don't be surprised if i collapse
down at your feet again
i don't want to run away from this
i know that i just don't need this

cos i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

cos i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
cos i'm somewhere in between
of what is real and just a dream...

in loving memory.
Tuesday, Aug. 07, 2007
10:00 am
i still remember
my first impression of you
"hahaha crazy"
up until you walked into class
we knew you only as
'the firedrill woman'
pointing out imaginary fires
and flocks of escaping birds

and then you came
and scared the shit out of us

it must have been quite amusing, actually
class was never as quiet
pure and total silence
everyone in their seats
4 legs on the ground
backs ramrod straight
chem books on the tabletop
waiting

just waiting

one look inside
and our visitor would either
chuckle to herself
or run quickly away
knowing that you were on your way

every lesson
consciously avoiding
the many things you got us for

sitting on 2 legs
twirling pens
taking down notes
looking anywhere but the hallowed powerpoint

that was more important
than the chemistry
focus
on not drawing attention
find that perfect look
of attentiveness
so as not to
find yourself being called on
to answer a question

chemistry lessons were
by far
the most
pressurising
stressful
classes of my life
but under extreme pressures
diamonds are formed
another one of your
favourite subjects
the hardest natural substance
the boy
who didn't recognise them
in his practical

over the months
you left us with
not just chemistry theories
but lessons in life

to have dignity in our work
so we can proudly
write our names to it
make sure we're not submitting
minced meat
"don't be yaya"
make sure our boyfriends buy us
diamond rings
haha

and much, much more

even though you hadn't yet
accepted Christ
your constant chiding
"there is a church in this school"
like with so many others
while first it made us tremble
we couldn't help but
smile (at least inside)
with each time you repeated it

i believe i have a very long entry
somewhere in the archives of this blog
addressed to you as well
very angry
anguished
i remember it clearly
the incident in the lab
and how you found me
in class
crying after
guitar in hand
and you laughed
and said
"see this girl
scold her also
still play guitar
with tears streaming down her face"
or something to that effect

you were tough
harsh
but you were good
loving
though we couldn't always tell

so this day
marks 1 year
since you left
and still
the mark you left
remains
indelible
we will never forget
we will always remember

i'm sorry i didn't get my a1
but i think
you'd be glad to know
i did my best
somewhere in the cambridge archives
my name is printed
proudly
on that exam script
dignified
and i guess that's all that matters

thank you.

rest in peace, ms goh..

-
Sunday, Aug. 05, 2007
3:01 am
...and life goes on.

And now it's time to raise the shout
Saturday, Jul. 28, 2007
1:40 pm

So we're officially graduates of MGS.

After 10 long years of boring lessons, fun lessons, nasty teachers, nice teachers, heritage tours, competitions, homework, exams, various other activities, and long founders' day parades with reminders to "wriggle your toes"... 10 years that seem to have passed too quickly, in retrospect...

We're finally here. We've reached the end of our journey as students in MGS, and for the first time on Founders' Day, we didn't need to endure the parade march past and our toes were saved from having to wriggle too much. Instead, we got the privilege, as graduates, to hang out in the library, not having to obey the usual "quiet in the library" rule, as we rushed around in a sea of familiar faces, feverishly trying to greet everyone with excitement, as though we'd been apart for years - which it does feel like - but also knowing deep down inside with a certain sadness that this was to be our last offiicial meeting together as the class of 2006.

It was great seeing everyone again, all in our different blazers (and ugly bomber jackets), but still, undeniably one and the same. And all that stuff about the MG spirit, and MG loyalty, and there being something about MG that makes us so different, that makes us unique, that makes us one... I know it all sounds very clichéd and overused, but I really do feel and believe in it. Whether we've been here 10 years or 4, or 2 for the scholars, or any other number of years in between... the MG experience is one that does not depend on the length of time. So rich it is that it touches, and has touched, us all, I'm sure.

Why else would we come back? with such enthusiasm, such vigour, trying so desperately to get into the staffroom that they had to close it off to us! The people make, and have made, all the difference. Love.

And especially after being back for Founders' Day, there is a deep, deep yearning, a longing to go back. But I know I've got to go forward. We've all got to go forward. MG has given us perhaps the best years of our lives, and instead of being sorry that they're over, we've gotta be, and I'm sure we are, thankful that they ever happened at all. And now that we've finished this stretch of the race, it's time for us to go out and share the blessing with others, and make sure that it can be seen that we are better off for the time spent here in MG. It's been awesome, and now it's up to us to show the world the MG way (:

Through it all...
Saturday, Jul. 21, 2007
1:08 am
I'll sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

You know how sometimes during worship you feel like you can't sing a song meaning it wholeheartedly? It was like that today, with this song.

It's the whole head knowledge vs heart knowledge thing. Like I know in my head that God is a faithful God, and that He must be faithful to me. But in my heart, somehow, I can't think of ways in which He has been faithful, and although my head tells me He has been, my heart remains stubbornly unconvinced. And so I feel like I wouldn't be meaning what I'm singing if I sang. And so I didn't.

I've always seen this song as one of thanksgiving. Like a response to God's faithfulness. Like, okay, I've seen that God's been faithful to me, so here's this hymn of love I sing to You, God. And so if my heart's not convinced of God's faithfulness and goodness, it's really hard to sing, even though I know in my head that He is faithful and good.

Well I had a bit of a revelation tonight, as I sat there not singing for a bit. It suddenly occurred to me to see it not merely as a response of thanksgiving to God's faithfulness, but as a declaration, in faith, of God's faithfulness. In other words, rather than relying on experiences of God's faithfulness (which I cannot recall and from which the problem stems), sing out of the faith that God is faithful. That God is good.

And I know this sounds very 'duh', but I think I am perhaps not doing justice to my little revelation. It's just one of those things la. I can't really explain it in a way that will make you want to jump out of a bathtub and shout 'eureka!'. But maybe you'll read this and God will give you that rather strange desire.

So anyway. It's just saying like, "well, God, You know I can't seem to see how You've been faithful, but I know You have, and I know You are, and so I sing this song to You. In faith, I believe that You have been faithful, that You are faithful, and that You will continue to be faithful to me.. And though I can't always see it, in faith I believe that You are carrying me, through it all."

In faith. Being certain of what we do not see.

Psalm 13
Saturday, Jul. 18, 2007
5:17 pm
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

I think I need a sunrise.
Friday, Jul. 13, 2007
12:12 am
It's another one of those nights. I'm tired, especially so since I've been sick for 5 days now, but I can't let myself get to sleep yet. There's something tugging at my mind, something inside fighting to break free from the knotted, tangled, undiscernable mess of thoughts which have yet to be deciphered and concretized. And that is why I find myself here, in a frail attempt to find the end of the string. It's always through writing that there is sudden clarity, and some sort of order emerges out of the chaos of my mind.

Except I really don't know where to begin. I feel the great need to write, but yet I find that I simply cannot. There is so much inside me, it feels, and yet nothing at all. What do you do when your outlet suffers from a blockage? I have yet to figure that out.

And so, here I am, rambling on about these things that find no rest within me, forever floating, wandering, dancing like starlight among the clouds in the darkened sky, so evidently there and yet so distant, so unreal. It's a good night for window-gazing, out into the starless Singapore sky. But I cannot. I must resist the call of the window looming right in front of me, beckoning me to come, sit, and gaze.

I should go to bed.

Hosanna
Monday, Jul. 09, 2007
8:36 pm

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Benevolent Artist

Hello. I'm with a global enterprise. We have branches in every country in the world. We have representatives in nearly every parliament and boardroom on earth. We're into motivation and behaviour alteration. We run hospitals, feeding stations, crisis-pregnancy centres, universities, publishing houses, and nursing homes. We care for our clients from birth to death. We are into life insurance and fire insurance. We perform spiritual heart transplants. Our original Organizer owns all the real estate on earth plus an assortment of galaxies and constellations. He knows everything and lives everywhere. Our product is free for the asking. (There's not enough money to buy it.) Our CEO was born in a hick town, worked as a carpenter, didn't own a home, was misunderstood by his family and hated by his enemies, walked on water, was condemned to death without a trial, and arose from the dead. I talk with him every day.

I AM A PART OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE UNASHAMED. I HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT POWER. THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST. I HAVE STEPPED OVER THE LINE. THE DECISION HAS BEEN MADE. I AM A DISCIPLE OF JESUS CHRIST. I WON'T GO BACK, LET UP, SLOW DOWN, BACK AWAY OR BE STILL.

MY PAST IS REDEEMED, MY PRESENT MAKES SENSE, MY FUTURE IS SECURE. I AM FINISHED AND DONE WITH LOW LIVING, SIGHT WALKING, SMALL PLANNING ,SMOOTH KNEES, COLOURLESS DREAMS, TAMED VISIONS, MUNDANE TALKING, CHEAP GIVING AND DWARFED GOALS.

I NO LONGER NEED PREEMINENCE, PROSPERITY, POSITION, PROMOTIONS, PLAUDITS OR POPULARITY. I DON'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT, FIRST, TOPS, RECOGNISED, PRAISED, REGARDED OR REWARDED. I NOW LIVE BY FAITH, LEAN ON HIS PRESENCE, LOVE WITH PATIENCE, LIFT BY PRAYER AND LABOUR WITH POWER.

MY FACE IS SET, MY GAIT IS FAST, MY GOAL IS HEAVEN, MY ROAD IS NARROW, MY WAY IS ROUGH, MY COMPANIONS FEW, MY GUIDE IS RELIABLE AND MY MISSION CLEAR.

I CANNOT BE BOUGHT, COMPROMISED, DETERRED, LURED AWAY, TURNED BACK, DELUDED OR DELAYED. I WILL NOT FLINCH IN THE FACE OF SACRIFICE, HESITATE IN THE PRESENCE OF ADVERSITY, NEGOTIATE AT THE TABLE OF THE ENEMY, PONDER AT THE POOL OF POPULARITY OR MEANDER IN THE MAZE OF MEDIOCRITY.

I WON'T GIVE UP, BACK UP, LET UP OR SHUT UP UNTIL I'VE PREACHED UP, PRAYED UP, PAID UP, STORED UP AND STAYED UP FOR THE CAUSE OF CHRIST. I AM A DISCIPLE OF JESUS CHRIST. I MUST GO UNTIL HE RETURNS, GIVE UNTIL I DROP, PREACH UNTIL ALL KNOW AND WORK UNTIL HE STOPS ME.

AND WHEN HE COMES TO GET HIS OWN, HE WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM RECOGNISING ME. MY COLOURS WILL BE CLEAR FOR "I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THE GOSPEL, BECAUSE IT IS THE POWER OF GOD FOR THE SALVATION OF EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES." (Romans 1:16)